There’s been something niggling at the back of my mind for the past few weeks. It’s not something that’s important right this minute, and it might not actually even be an issue. But it’s still there as a possibility in the back of my mind.
Generally, I’m a practical person but at heart, I’m a romantic. I’ve always been. I’ve known it since I picked up my first Sweet Valley High when I was in the 8th grade. I don’t believe in love at first sight (I wish it existed but I really don’t think it does), but I do believe in happily ever after. I really do. I believe that it’s possible to have a passionate romantic relationship, where both people respect and love each other and are the centre of each other’s lives (in a healthy way). I honestly haven’t seen that relationship in real life, but I genuinely believe that it can happen. And I genuinely believe that it will happen for me.
Having said all that, you know I’ve been having this wonderful love affair with God, right? I mean, if you’ve been reading my blog for more than 2 days, you should know that by now. I love God. I love Him in inexpressible ways. I know I don’t love Him as much as He loves me because that’s impossible (He’s already shown me that He loves me way more than I love myself, and believe me, I’m no self-hater), but I do love Him. And every day all I want is to love Him more, even during our rough times. After years of making stupid decisions, I’ve finally come to the point where I know that God is the number 1 man in my life and I want Him to always be my number 1.
I don’t want a Sunday morning relationship with God – I’ve had that and I never want our relationship to be shallow ever again. I want to be consumed by Him. I want to love Him passionately. I want my love for Him to permeate every single aspect of my life, no matter how mundane. I want Him to be my first thought when I wake up and my last thought when I’m going to sleep. That’s the relationship I’m aiming for with God. That’s what I’m working towards every day now.
You guys think I’m out here in the world serving because I’m a good person. I’m not. I’m serving partly because it’s the only way I can think of to express the magnitude of my gratitude to God for all He has done for me. There’s just no better way for me to say thanks than to pay my blessings forward. Service is my praise; it’s the way I say thanks.
And I don’t serve because I’m a selfless person; I serve because I know that’s what God wants me to do and I love Him too much now to not follow the path that He has laid out for me. I just can’t do it, and I don’t want to.
Therein lies my concern. When my husband comes along, and I know he will, will I be able to give him all of me? Will I be able to love him with the passion and focus with which every husband should be loved? I know that I will be able to submit to him because he will be a man of God and worthy of my submission, but will there be enough of my heart left over to share with him all that he should get? I proved out my ability and capacity to love fully and wholeheartedly. I don’t just say that – I’ve actually lived that. But will I still be able to do that, with my newfound relationship with God?
Two years ago, I wouldn’t have asked myself this question. I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that 2 years ago, my husband would have been first in my heart, unquestioningly receiving all of my passion and focus. But now with my eyes focussed on God, with no desire to lose all of the gains in our relationship and every desire for it to keep growing deeper and deeper every day, I wonder if I will be able to love my husband passionately too.
No, I won’t wonder anymore. I know that God will send me a husband who he has specially prepared for me, someone who will command my love and passion without taking any away from God, who will also be the centre of his life. Our happily ever after will come because we will love each other through our love for God first.
Meanwhile, I’ll start praying that God will help me to be the best of wives when that time comes, so that I can command my husband’s love and passion too.